My Own Way Home
by Frayed Misfit
Summary: In their lives it became clear that Lily and Severus must make their own way home, it would never be an easy road to follow. A Lily and Severus, Lily and James and implied RemusSirius fic. Please Read and Review.
1. I Knew You

**Disclaimer: **Always just the usual. J.K owns all the characters, the basics of the plot and my soul. I only struggle to own my imagination.

**Author's note: **This is the story I've wanted to write for such a long time now, I had always held hope for Sev. For those unfamiliar with my writing style: this is intended to be novel length yet will aim to capture small moments in time, therefore each chapter will be quite small. Please don't be afraid to Read and Review.

**I knew you. **

Sometimes you could gain clues about a person's emotions by looking at their mouth. Tightly drawn grimaces, a lightly held smile, a corner raised in elation, yet all of Lily's clues were held in her eyes. She studied me with her eyes now, I dared not let my own lift to hers but I could feel their gaze sweeping me, perhaps looking at my own mouth for indications of my regret.

"And I suppose you thought blood was a clever afterthought?" She probed.

I couldn't answer, it was stupid and I really couldn't explain why I had done it in the first place. My feet shuffled, my half-formed words slurred.

"How could you be so cruel." I heard the tremor in her voice; it was more a statement then a question.

I took a glance into her eyes, and quickly withdrew them, for the dry emotion there startled me but it did not shock me. By this stage I was well aware of the pain I had caused her, yet I seemed to be at the top of a steep grassy hill. I had felt that inextricable pull that made you want to lie down and roll down, well I was rolling, steadily and quite quickly towards the bottom. Lily and I were the last to leave the potions room, we had just finished our mid-semester preparation exams for our N.E.W.T's. We both loved to experiment with our potions, innocently and unspokenly adding new and varied ingredients to the recipe. Slughorn had recently commended Lily and had cleverly uncovered her addition of a bluebird feather. Slughorn had been unsure of my own potion, it was perfect, better than perfect, and he could not uncover what I added to make it more potent. Lily knew. She was much cleverer and knew my character. I had added a drop of my own blood each time the potion required a left handed stir.

"You disgust me." Her voice echoed out again, and she had taken a step backwards, her eyes still wavering upon my bent form.

Our potions reflected our lives; I knew the reason Lily had used a feather. She felt trapped and yet happy at the same time, she wanted to be lighter, wanted to be free. I used blood to desensitize myself from the world in which I had begun to enter. I thought that maybe it would prove to her that I knew in my heart that blood did not matter, that my blood was less than hers, that I could spare it.

"Lil, I …" I stammered, hating my awkward ways and my trembling voice.

"Just forget about it." She shook her lovely head and began to pack away her books into her bag, doing so in quite an aggressive manner, she had turned and placed her hand on the doorknob.

"Lily. I want you to understand." I forced the words out, I couldn't let her walk away disgusted by me, living each day not knowing who I was. My hand reached out to grasp her retreating shoulder. She spun in my grasp, her eyes betraying her interest; she did not speak, merely shrugged my hand off and pursed her lips.

"Don't think of me like this. I know the blood was a stupid idea, it was cruel and horrible and distasteful. I admit it. I just wanted to make the potion stronger." I couldn't choke out the truth so my lies landed in the air as hollow un-truths.

"Don't insult my intelligence, you tried to impress me. Well, Sev, you've impressed me ok? Strutting your way around corridors with the other Slytherins, cursing muggle-borns, picking on first-years, whispering about the dark arts. It's all very impressive I assure you." Her words came sharp and bitter.

"It's not what it looks …" I was stammering again, trying in vain to gather my thoughts.

"Well I'll tell you what it looks like. It looks like you enjoy the company of people who appreciate your talents, it looks like you want to cause people harm, even yourself. It looks like you've forgotten what you used to be." Her eyes softened as she said her last words, there was pity contained in the depths of those emeralds.

"I knew you." She whispered, her face so close to mine that her words clung to the rough hair on my face like dew on early morning grass. She opened the door behind her and closed it gently on my soul. Leaving me standing where she left me, terribly ashamed yet I continued my decent, down that steep slope.


	2. She Wanders Alone

**Disclaimer: **Always just the usual. J.K owns all the characters, the basics of the plot and my soul. I only struggle to own my imagination.

**Author's note: **No reviews yet but 20 hits in just a few hours so I remain hopeful that some people will actually enjoy this. I'm going to try to write a fair bit of this today as it is raining outside and I have endless cups of tea and notes in front of me.

**She Wanders Alone. **

James' oversized quidditch jumper seemed to engulf Lily's frame as she walked towards the Great Lake. She took small steps towards her destination, breathing in his scent and his kindness, her arms hugging her own body. She allowed herself a small laugh, which played upon the frosty air, she had never thought she would be wearing James' jumper yet alone enjoying it. She had officially accepted his pleas a fortnight ago, after her tall wall of denial had final come crashing down and she had melted into his arms with a resounding "fine, you win."

She had begun to uncover the small delights that made up the 'other' side of James; the way he leant her his jumper, the way he held doors open for her, the way he rested his head on her knees while she was reading the daily prophet. She was actually quite smitten by these gestures and she was dangerously close to giggling whenever he did them. She had always rolled her eyes and tapped her foot at stupid romantic couples who smooched before going their separate ways before class, who played footsies with each other in the library, who held hands all the way to breakfast. Now she was one of them! Heaven forbid!

There was just one thing that held her back from falling head over heels for the Gryffindor Quidditch captain. Just one minute and inconsequential detail. That she was already in love with someone else. Someone who was perhaps so contrasting to James, so absolutely on the opposite end of the spectrum, that thinking about them both at the same time was impossible. It simply could not be done.

Letting her arms drop to her sides, she gently pulls the necklace she is wearing out from under James' jumper and squeezes the charm that hangs from the end. It is a gold blunted needle. Sev had been reading from a muggle book to her one night, her head placed gently on his shoulder, his arm wrapped around her. He had read that _'Love is so small it can tear itself through the eye of a needle'_. They had both liked that, and the needle she wore was an expression of their love.

Whilst James' love was huge and explosive, filled with declarations and gestures, Severus' love was small and delicate, and they had both torn it slowly apart.

Lily and Severus had been friends since childhood, Sev had been the first to fill her imagination with the world of Hogwarts, and he had been her first wizard friend. This is where their story begins.

First year was stubborn indifference. Each unaware of the importance of their houses, not really comprehending the plagues than ran through Godric and Salazarr.

Second year was blissful ignorance. Floating notes to each other in class, when Severus had begun to gain allies rather than friends, and Lily had caught the very determined eye of a young James Potter.

Third year was learning to cry. Lily had understood the term 'mudblood' and knew that people like Sev believed that some blood was dirty, and that magic could be stolen.

Forth year was curious emotions. Lips touching tentatively behind statues, eyes and mouths betraying young fears and desires.

Fifth year was broken pieces. That day by the lake after OWLs, the misery of a final understanding of their differences rather than their similarities.

Sixth year was loathsome love. Hating him yet loving him, rough romance where they hardly spoke but touched and explored and wanted.

And here she was, just turned seventeen, allowed to love one boy freely and the other one desperately. She had not held Sev since the summer before, she had been furious at his continuance with the dark arts, that he didn't love her enough to give them up. They had barely talked all year, only in potions where sometimes it was necessary to state "pass me the gurdyroot" or "I've chopped your tentacles". And then she had snapped, at his adding blood to his potion, it was just such a crude and unwholesome thing to do that it shook her, repulsed her and she had wanted to hit him. And then he had tried to explain and it made it so much worse that he would not look at her, his hand had left traces where it had rested against her shoulder, she had washed the spot furiously in the shower yet she could still feel the echo of it. Its regret, its desire.

She wandered alone.


	3. Days Go By

**Disclaimer: **Always just the usual. J.K owns all the characters, the basics of the plot and my soul. I only struggle to own my imagination.

**Author's note: **Thank you Sky Samuelle for your kind review and for adding my story to your C2 I feel loved. Without further ado, I will go on!

**Days Go By.**

And so a brisk November turned into a formidable December and Lily wore both James' jumper and Severus' needle. Comfort and despair. With her head firmly thrown into text books, little time could be spared for the loves of her life. James had flown to her dormitory window determined to rescue her from her mountains of homework and exam preparations and she had allowed this one act of frivolity to steal her for the afternoon. They had fallen asleep against the castle wall in the sun, both wrapped in each others arms and legs. Lily awoke when a caterpillar moved from the collar of her dress onto her cheek, lifting it gently from its journey towards her hair she smiled at it.

"Hello buddy" she cooed.

James stirred from his sleep, opened an eye and leapt to his feet, staring down at the caterpillar like a man slightly deranged.

"Ack! Don't touch it!" he cried out in alarm.

Lily opened her mouth in amazement and slowly closed it again, her eyes steady on the now frantic James. She let out a loud and compunctious laugh.

"Are you … telling me, that you're afraid of a little caterpillar?"

James immediately lifted his hand to ruffle up the back of his hair, putting on his most serious face.

"Well, no I'm not _afraid_ of it. But it is rather slimy and crawly and well … green." He ended piteously.

Lily placed the caterpillar on the grass, hoisted herself to her feet and smothered James in kisses, pulling away only to laugh again.

"James Potter, you are the most adorable man in the world!"

The second week of December found her in potions class, her hands firmly planted on her hips, lips pulled into a frown as she stared painfully into her now gargling cauldron of the Draught of Peace. Checking again her list of ingredients she sighed into the fact that this simply wouldn't pull an Outstanding. She was sure she added the hellebore at the right time and had stirred it twice clockwise and thrice anti-clockwise for 20 minutes. It just wasn't the right consistency; she'd even made this stupid potion in fifth year perfectly. Someone leant in and whispered "powdered moonstone".

Glancing up her eyes found Severus' retreating back, _so now he's trying to help me, fan-bloody-tastic_. Nibbling her lip she hesitated before moving towards the store cupboard to retrieve the moonstone, he'd won. She wasn't even aware she was playing a game and he'd already won. Crushing the moonstone into a fine powder she emptied it into her cauldron. Her potion returned to a smooth consistency, she could almost feel the smile on Sev's face. As usual both Severus and herself had been awarded O's by a beaming Slughorn. She moved to thank Sev as she packed away her cauldron but was interrupted by his low whisper.

"Please meet me tonight, at the usual place." He took a glance into her eyes, his own were imploring.

"I really shouldn't …" Lily rebuked, reaching into the store cupboard again so as not to look like she was holding an important conversation with a slytherin.

"At eleven." He hissed back, swinging his bag over one shoulder. Their eyes met briefly and she scowled before returning to her own belongings. He would win again, she already knew that.


	4. The Eleventh Hour

**Disclaimer: **Always just the usual. J.K owns all the characters, the basics of the plot and my soul. I only struggle to own my imagination.

**Author's note: **

**The Eleventh Hour.**

Lily spent the evening with James and the other seventh year Gryffindors; Sirius, Remus, Peter, Alice and Audrey. James sat close to her with his hand on her knee; she tried to force thoughts of what was to come out of her head, tried not to act guilty before she had committed the crime. Slowly everyone began to ascend to their dorms, sleepily calling out their last minute jokes, hugging each other goodnight. James held Lily close for quite a while, murmuring sweet nothings into her hair. She could not feel his warmth, would not let it penetrate too closely, she wanted to let him into the book of her life but had to close the chapter that had come before. At first she had seen only negatives in meeting Severus tonight but she knew it was something they both had to do, she had to face him before she could shut him out. She had told him she had loved him and that was still true. Love was not brief or periphery. There would always be a small part of Lily that loved Severus, it was the nature of love itself to be eternal, otherwise she had not truly loved him.

Hugging Alice and Audrey goodnight, Lily climbed into her bed, pulling the hangings closed yet she did not close her eyes, she stole a glance at her bedside clock, it was 10:30. That meant the girls would have to fall asleep within the next 20 minutes so she could tip-toe out of the room and out into the castle.

While Lily feigned sleep, Severus was sitting at their chosen spot; his legs stretched out before him, his eyes wandering the empty and almost pitch black grounds far below him. Whenever they needed privacy they climbed to the roof of the owlery, its slate tiles cold and hard yet they never complained within the warmth of each others arms. A green and silver blanket was thrown around his bony shoulders and he snuggled into it further as slow spirals of snow began to drift into his hair. His mind had been consumed in agony since he had asked Lily to return here, it had been a spare of the moment thing, one of those moments where the truth rolls off your tongue before you can pull it back. He had almost regretted it, but his desire to see her again overrode all his fear. There was simply nothing he could do if she still hated him, he had tried and tried to win back her affection but the mistakes he had made were too mountainous for her to climb over. They had not shared this spot for over six months and his body ached for her next to him again. He startled as she swung into view, lifting herself carefully and quickly over the edge of the roof, he started up to help her but she had already managed it. Dusting her hands on her robe she looked deep into his features. Severus felt the instant urge to rush to her, to sweep her into his arms, to hold her. His body shook as he prohibited it from movement and merely managed a word, "Hello".

"Hello" she smiled back, brushing slowly past him to take a seat, folding her own cloak tightly around herself. This was all too formal, too rash, too sudden.

Taking his own seat he forced himself to sit so their bodies were not touching, tilting his head so he could look at her, he took a prolonged breath before plunging into speech:

"I want you to know that even if on the outside I'm screaming for the Dark Lord and seem to be edging on the killings and horrible other things that are happening to muggles, it's not me. It's not me Lily. Being in Slytherin is so hard to explain to you, it's not about friendship and bravery; it's about living up to expectations and winning your way to the top and about fitting in. I know this doesn't excuse me but there is a lot of pressure on me to conform, to yield." He had blurted this out in almost one breath, his voice trailing off towards the end, hating his own words. Even as he said it, it seemed weak and superficial.

Lily's voice was small and fragile as she spoke, "These things do not really matter Sev, this popularity vote, and it is not about being on top or fitting in. Don't you realise that people are dying? Actual people, perhaps my family. I just cannot comprehend this, I do not see what my mother and father and sister can possibly have done, what I have done? Muggles for the most part do not even know we exist. This is pure bullying, killing people while their backs are turned, unaware and unable to fight back. Do you want me to accept that you partake of this? I could never do that, I could never accept and agree with such a decision."

"I'm going to stop it." His words had formed before he had even considered them.

Her eyes widened in surprise before they narrowed again, "never say what you cannot uphold, especially to me. I could not cope with you lying to me as well as everything else. You should not have to say such a huge declaration you should just perform it and expect nothing in return, that is what it is to truly mean something."

He had covered the distance between them in the second she had finished talking, his hands taking either side of her face, parting her lips with his own he felt his entire body stiffen and then melt, it seemed to him that he was home. And then she was pulling back out of his grasp, her eyes fresh with tears, her lips wet from his own mouth.

"I cannot do this anymore Sev, you are tearing me apart piece by piece and feeding the pieces to your death eater friends. But do not think for one second that I do not want you, that I do not love you."

Forcing herself to her feet, Lily rose away from his grasp, from his warmth and hurried back into the castle.

Severus looked around, and he did not know why but never, never before, did the grounds, the forest, the very depth of the midnight sky, appear to him so hopeless and so dark, so impenetrable to human thought, so pitiless to human weakness.

The eleventh hour drew to a close.


	5. Blank Beating Hearts

**Disclaimer: **Always just the usual. J.K owns all the characters, the basics of the plot and my soul. I only struggle to own my imagination.

**Author's note: **A new day, a new chapter. Thanks to my reviewers – Sky Samuelle, Kate and Sleeping Lily. I recognise my writing is quite angsty and sometimes feel it is too much so, hence the lightness of chapter 3, which I actually didn't like. Any suggestions for this story will be much appreciated and adored.

**Blank Beating Hearts. **

To make a cage in one's heart is to deny and dissociate all emotions and desires that take form there; it is to become a vacant shell, empty and hollow. Desperate smiles and blank beating hearts. Lily stared into the moving portraits along the corridors and stairs, immersing herself in their stories while desperately forgetting her own. Tearing apart the memories of bittersweet childhoods and tumbling teenage angst like a distressed child tearing at toys. And then once she had broken them, thrown them away, she wanted them back. But there was no such thing as being able to have everything, which was a childish dream born of loneliness and senselessness. Lily had thrown away the key to the part of her heart that contained Severus, it would now remained locked, a clenched reminder of the past. Severus did not belong to her future, as far as she stretched to see into it, he would always remain a noxious weed among a field of daffodils. With his dark influences, his quiet and tentative ways, his possessive selfishness.

And so Lily looked determinedly forward, towards the exams, towards James, towards the Order of the Phoenix, towards life as someone who strived to better the world. These were the things that kept Lily's heart fluttering amongst its devastation and ruin, her adamant selflessness towards others, her adoration for James, which was not false only slightly overshadowed by the caged part of her heart.

During potions Lily did not look up, did not speak, only silently brewed potions, placing her desperate emotions into its contents. During this time Lily would produce some of the greatest work Professor Slughorn would ever see, born of a feverish desire to forget what lay, so unobtainable, across the room. Once their hands had touched whilst passing a flask of acromentula venom, Lily's whole body had shook and the valuable ingredient had almost fallen to the floor. Ashamed that she had been moved by such a slight notion, she had forced herself to remain silent and worked more vigilantly than before. Determined not to touch, always careful not to be the last in the room, arriving always slightly late.

The more she avoided Severus, the more she wanted to see him, just look at him. She found herself eagerly scanning a crowded entrance hall after and before meals, just wanted her eyes to graze the back of his cloak, sweep over his shoulder length hair. In these times Lily felt angered and repulsed at herself, forcing her emotions back behind the wall she had built for them, sickened that she still felt so strongly for someone who thought and believed such vile things. Who was perhaps already acting upon his beliefs? Discarding this thought from her mind she rushed towards Remus, fixing a fake smile upon her pretty lips, craving distraction from her deep cravings of unease.

Yet her frolics with the marauders, her nail-painting escapades with the girls, her determined and frenzied study sessions could not close the gap that had opened at the eleventh hour. To feel Severus' lips against her own, to feel the pressure of his hands against her hair, to experience the way that her body reacted to his touch, so different to the longing she felt with James, was constantly on her mind and constantly forced back into hiding. Taking prefect patrol at night alone, Lily wandered the empty corridors, tentatively exploring the forbidden areas of her heart, touching the memories and emotions captured there. Wondering fleetingly if this was such a good idea, she scribbled a furious note before attaching it to her owl Allure's leg;

"Your love is still tearing through the eye of my needle."


	6. A Love too Outspoken

**Disclaimer: **Always just the usual. J.K owns all the characters, the basics of the plot and my soul. I only struggle to own my imagination.

**Author's note: **Thank you to my new reviewers; wannabewitch4526 and Mother of Tears, your support in my writing is very much appreciated. I think it unbelievable that this story has 393 hits and 6 reviews, even if it is just a word of reply, reviews enable me to better my writing and give me inspiration.

**A Love too Outspoken.**

Severus stared with a stately boredom into the common room fire, advanced potion making open on his lap, his quill idly tapping the side of the couch. He could not help noticing that the coals burned a deep red, mirroring the colour of Lily's hair and the fire in her character. He did not burn as she did, he wilted like a tired and guilty flower, past its use by date, about to be discarded amongst yesterday's newspapers and strained tea leaves. He suffered once again under an uncomfortable estrangement, with the one person he wanted to be with everyday, it was obvious she was avoiding him; never meeting his level gazes, shuffling quickly off after class, never leaving the presence of her precious Potter and his idiotic friends. Yet once in Transfiguration when she was asked to demonstrate a tricky transformation, she had used such enthusiasm in her wand movement that a single gold chain had escaped her school blouse, the flash of a golden needle had caught his eye. Realising her mistake she hastily tucked it away, but Sev thought no one else had seen it, and even if they did they would not have understood its consequences. Yet it was like a beacon of great light to him, the hope that it symbolised and the fact that it still hung around her neck, resting against her heart.

His thought process was cut short as a tawny owl soared over his head, dropping a tightly rolled piece of parchment. Recognising Lily's owl he hastily stowed it in his pocket, silently cursing her nerve to send him an owl in the Slytherin common room.

"Late night delivery for Severus, hmm. What have we here…" came the instantly recognisable drawl of Theodore Nott "… does your mother miss you?"

This was met with a chuckle of laughter from other students who had begun to gather around Severus and Theodore. The other boy had begun to circle the couch like a lion stalking its prey, his predatory eyes boring into Severus' face.

"Or perhaps you finally got a snog out of someone and now they're writing you love letters?" He stopping his stalking and took a carefree glance around the room, "Alright ladies, hands up! Whose been snogging Severus?"

Some girls laughed and firmly shook their heads; others shuffled their feet and blushed at the thought, for their fluttering teenage hearts soared towards the confident Nott and not towards the gangly and greasy Snape.

"I see, so it must be a forbidden love, a shy little Hufflepuff perhaps? Or a bookworm Ravenclaw? Or heaven forbid! A naughty little Gryffindor?"

At each attribute for the houses he received an appreciative giggle from the small crowd.

"Drop it Nott, go play with the first years." Severus stood up, his black eyes flashing dangerously, already exhausted with the little game. He was use to people teasing him, Slytherin's and Gryffindor's alike, they all preyed on him because they thought him weak and vulnerable. They did not know the powerful spells he had written in his potions book, they did not know that their constant provoking had led him to harbor such deep seated anger that he would become one of the Dark Lord's most trusted servants, because the Dark Lord would recognise their similarities. Although they bullied him they still feared him, and it was this fear that made Nott smile, rather ruefully.

"You can't have all the fun Severus, if you're bonking a Hufflepuff it is only right we know!" He laughed a hollow and insensitive laugh but knew that he had lost, reclining his head as Severus staked past him and into his dorm.

Throwing himself down on his bed he pulled the hangings closed before retrieving her note. Unfurling it he glanced down at her cursive words, they ached into his heart, burned through his mind, and crept into his soul. Igniting his wand he let gentle flames lick at the parchment, leaving no clues for Nott to uncover about his dearest most valuable secret. He could not let their love be too outspoken.


	7. Perfect Logic

**Disclaimer: **Always just the usual. J.K owns all the characters, the basics of the plot and my soul. I only struggle to own my imagination.

**Author's note: **I am already proud of myself for my 7 reviews (thank you to each and every one of you) and for continuing this story for so long, I usually get bored of novel length fics. The hits for this story are still way beyond the number of reviews, so I just ask if you are one of these 632 people who have read this story please just drop me a little review to let me know what your thoughts are. Thank you.

The chapter is dedicated to Sky Samuelle – for her constant support and companionship.

**Perfect Logic.**

Lily found herself staring at empty spaces, like the space between the door and the frame, the table and the chair. It seemed that each of these empty spaces portrayed her own distance, her own inability to simply reach up and connect. The ridiculous note she had scrawled to Sev in her confusion only served to make the distances between the spaces wider, she had taken the needle away from her heart, tired of the way it dangled against her rib cage. Angry at the way it screamed at her to recognise that he was so close and that he wanted to be closer. She had been avoiding James too, unable to be with him freely whilst stuck in a moment of quiet disillusion. She refused to be with him while writing stupid love notes to Severus, it was so insanely preposterous, it was so unlike her. Forcing her eyes to drift away from the spaces that conveyed her own despair she lifted them to the boy seated by her. It was a late Saturday afternoon; the westerly sun shone in a myriad of light trough a dusty window in the common room and draped itself in patterns across Lily's form. Remus was tapping a finger idly on a notebook, a quill perched precariously between his lips, his eyes wandering across an ancient looking book. Lily felt the sudden need to reach out to him, to somehow justify the way she had been acting. Remus and Lily had always been close friends; they had always been able to communicate to each other in ways that others did not understand. It was not as if she fancied him, she just connected with him, perhaps it was their shared love of books, or their muggle upbringings.

"Remi?" she inquired.

"Muhm" he replied, lifting his deep amber eyes to her own, idly flicking a stray piece of hair out of his eyesight.

"What the hell have I gotten myself into?"

Remus replied with a dry laugh, "I ask myself that everyday and I still don't know the answer." He hesitated before asking, "is it Prongs?"

"No, it's not James, he is wonderful, and he really is so much more than I had hoped. No, it's well, it's Severus."

She finished lamely, her eyes suddenly drifting back to the empty spaces in the room, this time it was a tiny gap between a carpet and the floorboards.

"I thought you had decided it was best not to talk with him anymore, that is was time to let things die?"

Remus' voice always soothed her; he was the voice of perfect logic, reasoned yet full of care.

"I had decided that, but it's not that easy."

"Lils, you do have to stop this, you know that. Severus can mean nothing but despair for you; he has already proved that more than once. I know you have to give people second chances, but he really has gone too far."

Lily nodded her head in ascent, "It's just that I still care for him and I still hope that I can change him and that he'll choose me. I know it's a stupid dream."

Remus let his hand rest on her knee, his eyes imploring.

"I'm sure he knows you care for him, but you can't change him, he can only change himself and he has already made decisions. I know it's hard to accept Lils, but he's already decided to take the other road, he left your side a long time ago."

Lily found herself nodding numbly, she knew every word Remus spoke was true, so why was it so hard to accept? Remus moved over to embrace her in a warm hug, his arms wrapped around her shoulders. She let herself smile into his shoulder, thankful for his friendship. Letting out a little giggle in his ear, she whispered:

"So tell me, how is operation WolfStar?"

Pulling away from her, Remus' face looked stricken. His mouth moved wordless for a few second before stammering, "how, how do you know? I mean, well, Sirius is good. Grr I'm going to murder Prongs, I can't believe he told you, he really doesn't know when to hold his tongue."

Lily shrugged looking slightly bemused, "I just wanted to let you know that I'm fine with it, you know, you'll always be Remi to me, my voice of perfect logic."


	8. Cross the Bridge

**Disclaimer: **Always just the usual. J.K owns all the characters, the basics of the plot and my soul. I only struggle to own my imagination.

**Author's note: **Oh my gosh, I am so incredibly happy that my review count has jumped from 7 to 16 (this is primarily due to SweetSouthernGal and her wonderful close readings!), sorry for the little delay in this chapter, I have just been so swamped with university work and everything else that life throws at me. This story also has 800 hits! I hope you are all enjoying it!

The chapter is dedicated to my darling dog Lucy, who always sits besides me while I write.

**Cross the Bridge.**

Both Severus and Lily returned to their respective homes for the Christmas break.

The snow lay in heavy mounds in the playground at Spinner's End, a brisk wind stirred the swings yet all else was still. Severus pulled his cloak higher around his neck, his feet leaving dusty footprints on the white grass, his gloved hands lifted to catch falling snowflakes. He had hoped that in coming to this spot, where he and Lily had met for the first time, he would be able to sense her in some way. Yet it was a fool's hope, Severus felt nothing but the cold and slightly numb, his feet were beginning to tingle in his shoes. Nonetheless he lowered himself to the children's swings, gripping the frozen chains on either side. Pushing his feet on the ground the aching swing began to move, it seemed to pulse with the slow beating of his heart; if he closed his eyes he could see her.

Lily; fifteen years old, sitting on his lap while he swung her back and forth, soft snowflakes clinging to her lashes, her lips a deep red from the cold. She had leant her head against his chest and he had felt her smiling, she had spoken wonderful words about friendship and trust. He had let his cheeks blush as he held her there, more thankful and happy in that single moment than he would ever be again.

Now a fierce wind propelled his seventeen year old frame into the air, the little swing underneath him, the chains beginning to rub through his leather gloves. He opened his eyes and let them fall on the woods in front of the playground, through it laid the Evans' home, the last time he was there Mrs. Evans had made him cordial. They had sat around the dining room table and Lily's foot had touched his leg and she had smiled knowingly, he had only pretended to listen to Lily's mother. He wondered fleetingly if she was just through the woods at this very moment, he wondered if she was thinking about him too. He thought about walking to her house and apologizing again, about reading a stupid muggle poem to her, about forcing her to believe him.

Dragging his freezing feet on the ground the swing slowed to a stop, Severus rose dizzyingly to his feet and walked a few steps towards the woods. Lifting a small hand in her direction he turned himself away, tired of the cold, tired of the aching pain, tired of lying to himself and to her. Walking back towards Spinner's End he crossed the little wooden bridge that separated the East from the West.

…..

The Evans' home was filled with warmth and cheer, Lily and Petunia had spent the whole morning hanging decorations from every surface. With additions from the magical world, they not only had porcelain Santa Clause's and electronic stars but bewitched snowflakes that disappeared before they hit the ground, tiny fairies that zoomed about everyone's heads and tinsel that kept changing colour and texture. Lily rushed downstairs from her bedroom, her red hair decorated with little golden stars, her green eyes sparkling.

"Mum! Hurry up, he'll be here soon!" she called, dancing from room to room inspecting the Christmas decorations and turning on the CD player.

Deborah Evans hurried into the sitting room, her own red hair neatly pulled back in a pony tail. "Oh Lily you look stunning!"

She embraced her daughter in a tight hug, before holding her at arms distance to inspect her dress. It was navy blue and came to Lily's knees, Mary and Alice had bewitched it at Hogwarts to sparkle in a discreet manner, so that only when you looked closely could you see the glitter moving.

"Tut, tut! Are you sure you're sending this boy the right messages dearest?" Her father had too entered the room, he had on his best suit and a horrific red tie with little snowmen on it, his mouth was pulled into a mischievous smile.

"Dad!" Lily screeched, unable to stop her cheeks from reddening.

The doorbell rang; Lily leapt forward to wrench the door open and was almost knocked over by the severe winter wind. James stood sheepishly in the doorway, little specks of snow settled in his jet black hair, a large box wrapped in ludicrously colourful paper in his arms.

"Happy Christmas Eve Lils!"

Unable to control the smile that had spread its way across her face she stepped towards him, suddenly oblivious to the fact that her parents were watching, and planted a convincing kiss on his lips.

Lily spent her Christmas Eve sitting by the fire next to James and her parents, before long they were all laughing loudly together and sipping eggnog.

"But that's crazy! Why would you have a post man? Surely people have better things to do than to carry letters?" James looked up from his Christmas pudding with a confused look on his face.

"Well that's their job, that's all they do." Edward Evans explained, holding back his laughter.

"I can't believe it! Lily you'll have to show me one! How do they carry all those letters? How long does it take them to walk around England?"

Lily placed a hand on James' knee, her eyes sparkling with laughter, "they don't walk!! Ha ha! They drive in a van or on a bike, and there is more than one of them, I suppose there would be thousands of them around the country!"

James looked highly affronted.

"Thousands!" He echoed, before thinking on the subject again, "what's a van?"

And so the conversations continued, Lily being the only mediator between the two worlds.

James had bought Lily a magical photo frame in which he had placed a collage of all their friends. Lily saw with a pang that of course, Severus was missing, yet beside that one fleeting moment, she did not think of the boy who lived so very close, who was eating cold soup with his haughty mother and his quiet father.

As they saw James to the door, Mr. Evans handed him a muggle Christmas decoration to hang amongst his magical decorations at home. James couldn't help but to smile as he took it with thanks, it was a reindeer.


	9. What Lies Ahead

**Disclaimer: **Always just the usual. J.K owns all the characters, the basics of the plot and my soul. I only struggle to own my imagination.

**Author's note: **So this is the last chapter, I have never actually ever completed a fic like this before. This story has reached 1000 hits, so I am extremely proud, yet also feel weird finishing it. Thank you to all my faithful reviewers who have stuck with me, until the end. I would love this fic to reach more than 23 reviews, because that is my personal limit; I've never had more than that on anything I've written. So that would be wonderful.

This chapter is **dedicated** to Lily and Snape and JK Rowling, because without them, this story would not be possible (duh!)

**What Lies Ahead: Epilogue**

Lily visits the empty playground at Spinner's End after Hogwarts, the brightly painted children's swings seem to mock the loss of her childhood and seem to reinforce the adult she has become. She sits in the hidden grove, shuffling her feet in the warm earth, thinking of days that are gone and a friendship that is lost. The warm summer sun beats a shady pattern across her bent form, catching the deep red of her hair. She fingers the golden needle that sits in her open hand, remembering lost promises and the meanings that they had carried, he had always proclaimed his love in the smallest of ways yet Lily cherished them more than big declarations and exclusive presents.

Lily draws an assortment of articles out of her small bag; a bundle of old and weathered letters, a stuffed toy that was missing an eye, a small collection of moving photographs. Breathing heavily in the warm air, she digs a small grave with her bare hands, the hot soil scorching underneath her nails, strands of her hair inhibiting her eyesight. Biting her lip, determined not to show emotion, she lowers the items into the shallow hole, she kisses the hole of the needle before letting it tumble in amongst the other reminders.

Hastily refilling the grave, she rocks back on her heels, wiping a dirty hand across her sweating forehead, smearing it with soil. And she allows the tears to fall, not out of loss but out of regret, a simple regret that the love she had once felt was no longer there.

------------------

Severus caresses his dark mark, a deep hatred born of unfulfilled desires fuels his actions, his foolish actions. He had always wanted to belong, wanted to be loved, and this was as close as he had gotten, becoming a servant to a man whom he detested.

Severus glances towards his mantelpiece, his gaze lingering on a muggle photograph, frozen in time, an eternal smile etched amongst her delicate features. She had given him the photo as a reminder of feelings that would stand still, yet he knew that it was a foolish notion; the world did not stop for love. And it hadn't, he had watched it spiral helplessly out of his control, his fingers unable to hold onto the hope that it promised.

He had placed a vase of lilies beside the photo, vowing to never love another, to never change his mind.

They made their own way home.

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"_Don't be dismayed at good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again.  
And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends.'_

– Richard Bach 'Illusions'


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